I’m back from the storybook ski town of Park City tonight after a whirlwind four days at Sundance. My first time at the festival was in equal parts exhausting, exhilarating, productive and inspiring. It was, in all seriousness, so wonderful, and so life-affirming, to find myself at such an iconic film event, among so many people who are as excited and as passionate about movies as I am.
Though in large part I am very pleased with where I am in my life, and very proud of the choices I have made and the work I have done to get myself here, I sometimes, in connection with the general sense existential anxiety that I think is just part of the fabric of who I am, experience crippling bouts of self-doubt. But in those moments, especially in the worst of them, I try not to let that doubt become too destructive, because there are other moments, far fewer but more potent, like a number of transcendent ones I experienced over the past couple of days, in which I look around and feel such an overwhelming sense of contentment and gratitude and sheer relief that I am where I am that it quite literally brings me to tears. Because I am exactly where I want to be. And it feels good, of course, but more than that, it feels right. It feels like I am where I am supposed to be. Where I belong.
And that’s just the wildest thing in the world, because for most of my life I’ve never felt like I belonged. And that sense of not belonging shaped me. It defined me. It made me who I am. In a way, I don’t know who I am without it. But I suppose I am looking forward to finding out.
And on that note, I was lucky enough to see quite a few movies at the festival (not as many as I would have liked, but a rather impressive number based on the time constraints and conflicting commitments I had), including a few that I worked on. Some were good, some were great, some weren’t:
Bummed to have missed: Luxor, The Nest, Surge, Minari, Shirley, Disclosure, Wendy, Dream Horse
Already cannot wait to go back.